.reno-dakota.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
i am so lost. i wish i had someone to really talk to.
12:24 a.m. - 2009-02-04
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
...
looking to the future, but missing what was.
2:06 p.m. - 2008-07-14
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(i just don't effing care anymore)
it would be really cool if i could actually read people for once.
:(
9:32 p.m. - 2008-04-29
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
so now we wait??
it went well? maybe? awkward? i can never tell with these things...
10:56 p.m. - 2008-04-27
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
eeeeek!
a date! for saturday!
11:39 a.m. - 2008-04-23
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i guess we wait?
dammit, i hate that edward had to get so involved in pushing coffee boy. i'm feeling like a charity case at this point. he gave him my number a few days ago and he still hasn't tried to contact me. why couldn't he have left me to my own devices? maybe nothing would have happened that way either, but at least i wouldn't be embarrassed like this, knowing my number's out there circulating, but he's not biting.
1:26 a.m. - 2008-04-19
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ulcers.
dammit, wingman, was giving out my digits without my permission really necessary???
*dies*
10:13 p.m. - 2008-04-16
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
shakeshakeshake.
these nerves are taking my sleep away!
calm down!!!
getting to know a new boy cannot hurt you.
whew.
9:32 a.m. - 2008-04-12
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
the update.
i am freaking the fuck out.
a background:
my last relationship ended something like a year and a half ago. it really kind of broke me. i was cheated on shamelessly, and it made me commitment-phobic. this then set the tone for the future. i think i've been on two dates since then. one was with this 32 i met on the internet. i didn't really know much about him, but he seemed to not be psycho, so i agreed to hang out as friends. a series of comments and behaviours made me realise that he thought it was a date, i pulled away and contacted the guy immediately afterwards basically saying i never wanted to see him again. there were a variety of reasons, not just that i'm a heartless douche. it was kind of like being on a date with your dad's peer, which ruined it from the start. he refused to listen when i said i didn't want a date and was full of "you'll understand when you're older" comments.
alas.
against my better judgement, i went back on to the internet. i fell hard for this guy in canada, we talked for a few months, head over heels, he was planning a visit, then *poof* i never heard from him again. no goodbye, no indication at all that he was through with me. i still have no idea what happened.
i swore off the internet, then came back. i half-heartedly started talking to this guy in california. he. fell. HARD. i convinced myself i too was interested, then whenever i pulled away for a second realised i was 100% not interested. by that point though, he was uber-invested in me. i tried to cut it off, he curled into a ball and sent me a series of texts about how depressed he was. i felt used. i agreed to give it another try. i got involved again, then realised i wasn't interested. maybe friends with benefits? i didn't know. he decided to come here to see me and these fabled half-sisters he had here in town. a few days prior to his visit i realised that i was not just uninterested in being his lover, his friends with benefits, whatever, but not even interested in being his friend. the internet had allowed me to build up this ideal image about this guy i had no interest in. i was just desperate to find someone to love me, so i fabricated a prince. i picked him up at the airport, then had the most awkward date-ish thing in all of history. i finally said i had to go then ran. fast. i had an ulcer the size of texas. he came all the way out here and i wanted nothing to do with him. so in my typical brashness, i sent him a text saying i couldn't do it. i was done. he freaked out and called me all sorts of horrible things, sent letters, emails, texts, had his room-mate write me a hate letter, etc. it was a severe attack, but it was the only way i knew to deal with the situation. i felt like anything less than that would be dragging him along, making him think he'd have a chance some day.
i just can't make relationships work. i have such a hard time meeting people in real life because of my social anxiety. once i do interact with people on a date type thing, i fail miserably. i clam up. i can't be myself. i can't deal with anything. the slightest bad vibe and i'm like a bull in a china cabinet and sever all ties. i have learned that i am a real dick dealing with romantic interests. i was never like this before i dated sam. i was eager and bright. i was easily infatuated. now i just spit on everything that walks within 15 feet of me.
zoom to today. i have a crush on a boy at a coffee shop. i decided to try to make something happen. i asked my good friend to try to find out if he had a girlfriend. unintentionally, this whole thing just exploded over the past couple of days. in the course of finding out his relationship status, suddenly everyone on the staff knows about my interest. not just that, but word has it, he knows about my interest. and apparently he is not averse to exchanging numbers with me. this makes everything so real. my first real attempt at meeting a guy in real life and making it happen. this scares the absolute shit out of me. i have an ulcer the size of texas thinking about going into the coffee shop again. i am scared. scared of botching another date. scared of not botching it and getting commitment phobic and being a jerk to another innocent bystander. i am terrified of going on a date since it has been so so long since i've been on a proper one. i don't know what to do, how to act, what to talk about. i don't know how to react to the idea that someone is actually interested in me after my last boyfriend hurt me so much by sleeping with half his town. i am so broken and inept and i want to come out of this hole i have spent the last year and a half digging for myself. i want to learn, to grow, to experience couplehood and dating again. the prospect seems so exhilarating on the surface, yet inside is a crumpled little girl afraid to leave the house. i want this to work.
*exhales*
11:37 p.m. - 2008-04-04
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
a vote of no-confidence. i feel dejected for the first time in months.
dear coffee bean guy,
i have a really big crush on you. the 1.5 minutes i spend up at your counter brighten my mundane groundhog day. i want to talk to you so much more, but i fear i have forgotten how to even conduct a date at this point. please make a move.
yours sincerely,
the blushing pixie (aka regular iced americano with a splash of soy milk)
12:04 a.m. - 2008-03-26
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
other diaries: automatos |